Creating A Dialog

Today I am having some serious ED thoughts so I decided to use this opportunity to create some more conversation between my healthy self and my ED self.

EDS (eating disorder self): Omg you fat fucking disgusting roll of flab. Your back fat is so out of control, it hangs off of you in not one but TWO!! separate fucking rolls. I hate you (myself) for allowing this to happen, you know how fucking hard it is to restrict eating and lose weight. I am so angry! I wish I could slice all of this excess fat right off of my body.

HS (healthy self): Oh boy, that is a lot of emotion. You know as well as I do that some of this weight gain was due to a medication change and a serious mental health breakdown that landed you in the hospital, I think you can cut yourself some slack. I know back fat is not ideal but its there and we just have to accept that for now. You need to remember that fat/excess weight is not permanent! You can and you will “slice off” the back chubs over time and in healthy ways as you re-learn how to manage food and your feelings better.

EDS: I’m just scared I’ll never be able to eat properly. I cannot imagine a life without these intense cravings for junk food and binge eating. I don’t know how to manage the fear and anxiety I feel when I see how obese I am. I have a double fucking chin for christ sake!

HS: I know it’s scary. You don’t know any other way of living and change is terrifying. But we have to learn to identify our fear and handle it in a non eating disorder way. You have to remember that our society is fucked!! You’re a babe at any size. I know you probably won’t believe that, but hopefully one day you can see that for yourself and you can see yourself the way everyone else does – beautiful.

EDS: You’re right, I don’t believe you but I do feel less out of control. Thanks for the chat HS.